‘All I want now is just sex’

Dear Bunmi,

I’m 32 and in-between girl-friends. My first girlfriend was so troublesome, it was a relief when she finally left even though we have a son. She’s put me off a permanent relationship for now and I’m thinking of going to a prostitute whenever I need a quick fix. Like the saying goes: bodi no be wood!

A friend has promised to take me to a joint where you meet ‘decent’ girls and as long as I play safe by using a condom, and don’t get emotionally involved, what’s the harm? It’s become a bit of an obsession with me and the longer I put it off, the more it stays on my mind. My only fear is that if I start, I might be hooked to the point of not wanting a good relationship.

Patrick, bye-mail.

Dear Patrick,

You’re kidding yourself and you know it. If it is a quick fix you really need, the answer lies in your own hand.

Masturbating should do the job nicely but as you’re already obsessed with the  idea of visiting a prostitute, there is a strong chance that after the first ‘fix’ you might  get hooked. Not to talk of the danger you might be exposing yourself to if your  condom splits.

I would keep my distance from your type of friend if I were you.

In the meantime, give yourself time to get over your current resentment over  women enough for you to appreciate the joys of a meaningful relationship.

 

Can I trust this returnee boyfriend

Dear Bunmi,

I’m a 28-year-old single mother of an adorable son. I’m currently involved with a man who is very nice to me and my son and I love him. The problem is that my ex has come back into my life. He was my first true love and we were together for over four years, we had the child together. Now he wants us to get back together and I’m afraid I might love him more than my current boyfriend.

The problem is that he has two sides, he’s loving, caring and a lot of fun to be with most of the time, but he’s also a skirt-chaser. I’m really confused as I don’t want to make a mistake by getting back with him, only to regret it.

Jacqueline, bye-mail.

 Dear Jacqueline,

A woman in love with two men needs to be extremely careful. Allow yourself to get to know this new man in your life better but encourage your ex to have a good rapport with his son.

As time goes on, it will become clear whether he can love you unconditionally or not. Just as you once had to accept that he’d played away with other women, he will need to accept that you continue to sleep with your man.

But is this what you really want?’ In the end, you might discover that you love neither of them in any way that will last. Deep love is committing to only one person, unconditionally.

 

My daughter needs to be brought down to earth!

 Dear Bunmi,

My 30-year-old daughter has taken herself into the world of the high and mighty to such an extent that I hardly knew her any more. She’s married to a very successful  car merchant and lives in a very big house on the Island in Lagos. She has high- achieving friends and is talking like them. This was the same person who gave me

hell when she was growing up.

By the time she was 20, she’d had a couple of abortions and was always hanging around men, drinking and smoking. She’s obviously brushed all these under the carpet  now. The last time she was at my place, she went on and on about wanting more children. She already has two and her husband wants more.

I was so fed up with her moaning that I asked if her failure to get pregnant didn’t have something to do with her past wild life and the abortions she had in the past. If  looks could kill, I would have died instantly from the look she gave me. Now I’m very upset by the rift between us. She’s my daughter, but her phony life-style is cracking me up. Chi, bye-mail.

 Dear Chi,

Your problem definitely is different! Why shouldn’t your daughter leave her mistakes behind and start again?

Teenagers are sometimes tear-aways who make mistakes because of their raging hormones. Most of them quickly get over their wild days and tow the line. Who then wants to be reminded of a mis-spent youth? Aren’t you proud she’s made something of herself? What’s so phony about being such a success?

Are you in any way jealous of your daughter’s achievements? Why else would you even think of humiliating her to her face? You need to get bigger than your resentment and be happy for your daughter and the wonderful grandchildren she’s given you. She hasn’t ended in the gutter where you were obviously expecting her to be. You need to be proud of who you are too.

If there are some things lacking in your life to m~ke you feel this resentment about a daughter you gave life to, this is the time to put ~ght.

 

Raped by my ex!

Dear Bunmi,

For 18 months, Greg and I had a very strong relationship and the sex was great.

Unfortunately, and for no reason, I fell out of love with him and had to break things off.

He was really devastated in spite of the fact that I let him down as gently as I  could because he was very nice to me.

I’m now in another relationship and happy. Some few weeks ago, I met Greg at  a lecture and he invited me to his flat for a drink. Since we both remained good  friends, I went with him.

He told me he had a few girlfriends and I was genuinely happy for him. I’d scarcely touched my drink when he was all over me. I was shocked. He pinned me to  the couch and started having sex with me and hurting me “in the process. I asked him  to stop several times, but he didn’t until I was able to free my hands and grab him  round the throat to get him off.

He showed no remorse whatsoever and had the guts to tell me I shouldn’t find  lovemaking with him so repulsive since we were once lovers.

He still wants us to be friends. What I can’t understand is why a man who was once a gentleman could turn into a brute.

Taiye, bye-mail.

 Dear Taiye,

By going with your ex to his flat knowing both of you would be alone must have  sent the wrong signal to him. You did the dumping and he obviously hasn’t forgiven  you for that.

It is important that you get this emotional trauma behind you and be wary next  time you decide to go to any single man’s apartment alone – especially if sex might be  on the cards.

What happened to you is not uncommon – but that doesn’t make it right. Your exobviously wanted to hurt you as much as he was hurt when you dumped him. But he  went about things the wrong way. He’s the brute, not you and you should put a lot of  distance between you.

 

Haunted by his dead wife’s memory

Dear Bunmi.

My current boyfriend compares me to his late wife in everything even sex. I’m 29 and he’s 38 and he tragically lost his wife four years ago through a car accident. He has three children aged between four and 10. We met a year after he lost his wife and have been discussing marriage in the last six months. As a result, I virtually live with him though I still have my flat. I now help look after his children with the help of a relative of his.

I thought he was over her death but it seems I’m wrong. He’s talking about her more than ever.

The worst time is when we’ve just had sex. I find oral sex a bit off-putting but he talks about how she loved it and the things she used to do. It is awful. The trouble is I feel I can’t now complain since I’d kept quiet for a while now. As things are, I have to put up with a large picture of her in the bedroom too.

He says it’s for the kids and I’d feel guilty if I asked him to remove it. He’s told me that he still misses her and sometimes feel guilty for starting a relationship soon after her death. I’m starting to feel like nothing but a glorified baby-sitter to his children.

Henrietta, bye-mail.

 

Dear Henrietta,

This is a tricky problem but your man needs to separate his sense of loss from your relationship. It’s only natural he should have fond memories of a wife with whom he had three children. But you need to agree times when he can talk about his wife and times when he should focus on the two of you, especially during intimate moments in the bedroom.

If you find her picture in the bedroom intimidating, why not suggest he puts it in the children’s room? You need to meet him half-way with his sexual preference.

If you find oral sex revolting, maybe you should encourage him to teach you how  to be comfortable with it.

 

My girl’s gone off sex!

Dear Bunmi,

I’m the general manager of a fairly big supermarket and I’m currently tempted to stray with some of my sales reps as sex with my girl is virtually non-existent. We’ve been together for about three years and at the beginning, we couldn’t get enough of each other.

Much as I didn’t expect that kind of frenzy to last for ever I didn’t bargain for it to be nearly extinct either. It looks as if I’m the one doing all the running and I get nothing in return.

When I try to get her in the mood, she’s full of excuses. She’s either too tired or just doesn’t feel like it. Then we argue and she sulks.

We currently live together and I keep telling her I want our relationship to be full of intimate moments. But there’s still no change. I get plenty of flirtatious remarks from my sales girls, so it would be easy to help myself. I must admit that I’m tempted to, purely for sex.

The fear of mixing business with pleasure is the current hindrance.

Unfortunately, my girl doesn’t think we have a problem. How can I make her realise I need intimacy in our relationship? I’m 30 and she is 27.

Dipo, by e-mail.

 

Dear Dipo,

Your girl must know in her heart that things aren’t right with your sex life, especially since it was once active. Her problem could be that she’s not sure of how to tackle the problem. Do you think she’s getting enough fun and satisfaction from sex with you?

Maybe it’s about time you put more efforts into pleasing her. Have a talk with her that doesn’t result in a shouting match to see if this can be resolved.

On the other hand, it could also be that you’re focusing on the sex without realising that getting a girl in the mood starts with doing your share of things in the house.

You’re both too young to be having relationship problems, especially in the sex department.

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