How your marriage can survive recession pitfalls

By  Bunmi Sofola

MEN. There are different types of them under the sun. There are the little boys who just don’t want to grow up and face the world. There are the sort who’d almost always rather be with their mates, guzzling beer and pepper soup at their local ‘joints.’ Then there are the mature ones, the kind who reckon there’s only one head in every household and it’s got to be them. There are the fun ones who know just how to keep us amused, and the charmers who can melt an icy moment with a look.

There are the romantics too, who are not embarrassed to give surprise presents or send mushy love notes on landmark events and Christmas. And there are the men, who really believe that chores sharing should be on equal terms and who don’t mind changing nappies or rustling up tasty meals to prove it. Little wonder most star prizes in cooking competitions are carted away by the men!

There are also men who may love success in their work, who reckon family life is the most important thing of all; the kind, caring sort who can’t wait to get home at the end of the day. But, if women find men hard to understand, they find it even tougher to understand women! They think women love them for their muscles, when nothing attracts a woman more than a great sense of humour. Men think women will fall for a chat-up line and show-off, when a bit of gentle wooing melts a woman’s heart. “Yet despite their faults (and ours) and the many mysteries we’ll never solve about men, marriage has never been more popular,” observed a psychologist. “The number of couples heading down the aisle is going up every year. A lot of things may have changed over the years, but togetherness clearly never goes out of style. You could write a book, or two, or three, about men and you’ll probably still never understand them!

She then gave four trouble spots that today’s man could encounter and offered some sound and practical advice on how you could cope: If your man suddenly becomes unemployed: Sympathy is in order, but not pity or blame. Treat the jobless as a stroke of bad fortune that involves the whole family rallying round to cope. Bear in mind that he’s lost more than a job; he’s now minus his status as a worker, his colleagues, his routine, his earning capacity and, most of all, his self-esteem. Take care not to rob him of his role in the family. He’ll need lots of love and encouragement. Don’t let him drop his interest, hobbies and mates, or sink into despair. Keep him on the go and in circulation. Encourage him to look for employment as soon as possible. Look ahead and start discussing the options. Maybe he can start his own business or go freelance.

He won’t make love any more?  There are hundreds of possible reasons for your partner’s impotence and only one of them is that he’s sexually interested in someone else. So don’t start by suspecting infidelity—leave that till last. What ever the reason, he probably won’t want to talk about it. But talk you must, it won’t solve itself. And the longer the impotence continues, the more he’ll fear repeated failure and simply give up. Persuade your partner to check with his doctor for any physical cause. But impotence is nearly always emotionally based and you’re his best therapist; show him you understand and that you know it’s only temporary—then be patient, tender and matter of fact. Make a point of discussing with him any pressure he feels he’s under. Even if this uncovers a conflict between you. It is always better in the open, rather than hidden. Take more of the initiative in love making, and keep it undemanding and relaxed. If frustration sets in, explore ways of satisfying each other without penetration.

He goes off with other women: Don’t panic. Many husbands seek a brief fling but few want a major upheaval in their lives—it’s too costly and wearing. If you feel angry, rejected, jealous or afraid, let him know it. Try to stay in communication with him somehow. The important thing is to find out his reasons for straying. It’s time for some home truths between the two of you, and no flinching. Let him know that you love him and want him back, but you won’t wait for ever. Meanwhile, find out where you’d stand if it comes to divorce. A talk with a solicitor who won’t commit you to anything. Start building up your own resources. If he doesn’t come back, this will help you to cope on your own. And if he does, your marriage will be all the stronger for having overcome, this crisis.

He treats you as his inferior: This is his problem, not yours. Anyone who treats someone else, as a second class citizen has doubts about his own adequacy, so what he’s doing when he puts you down is shoring himself up. You can do one or two things—fight back. Stick up for yourself, pointing out your strength and his weaknesses. This may make you feel better but it could possibly wreck your relationship. Accept that this is the way he is (and so are a lot of other men). If all else in the marriage is loving and good, it might be worth tolerating this prop to his confidence, tiresome though it is. But don’t start believing you’re inferior.

He refuse to discuss problems: He says, “Not now we’ll discuss it later,” but “Later” never comes. Or he says: “Don’t keep dragging that up—forget it,” as if ignoring a problem will make it go away. This attitude is frustrating and blocks solutions. So, somehow, the channels of communication must be opened. Some useful tactics are: don’t tackle the big problem onto a row about something else—it will get you nowhere. Choose a relaxed time to talk after a meal, an outing or love-making.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” is a threatening and negative approach. Instead, make a more positive appeal. “This hurts/worries me so much, I need your help to sort it out. “Stress that you’re not asking for decision or action, only to think things over. Don’t pound away with your view of the problem. Ask him what he feels about it and listen to his views. It may be a welcome relief for him to let it all out.

 

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