He says no to sex

Dear Bunmi,

I’m 23 and have had a boyfriend for nine months. But he refuses for us to have sex. I don’t know if it is me that’s the problem or if he has someone else.

His ex rings him all of the time, but he never tells me what they talk about. He refuses to let me touch him sexually, although its OK for him to touch me.

What do you think is going on?

Blessing, by e-mail.

 

Dear Blessing

Unless he’s impotent or has a horrible disease, if a man refuses to have sex with his new girlfriend, it’s because he’s afraid of risking commitment to her.

This in no way reflects how desirable you are to him. He might like you as a girlfriend but it looks as if he’s afraid of repeating past hurt and hurting you.

He’s still emotionally entangled with his last girlfriend and this prevents him from allowing him to love you.

But what is this unfinished business with his ex that he keeps private?

Does she want him back, or is he running after her? Do they still have sex?

Love-making is enriching only when openness and trust are in place.

You seem to have established none of these. You need to press your reluctant, no-sex-please boyfriend for answers. Nine months without love-making is unromantic at the very least!

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