How inexperienced men are manipulated by their partners

By Bunmi Sofola

A few of you readers have pleaded that I should treat problems that their youngsters could relate to. From time to time, I’ve tried to do that. So when recently, I got this piece from my e-mail, I jumped at the opportunity to share Roy’s problem with my younger readers. As common as his dilemma is, what rings true is the adage: None are so blind as those who can’t see.

“I am 23, currently dating a girl of 22,” he wrote: “We attended the same secondary school and that was where I first set my eyes on her. We developed a friendship. Before we started dating, a lot of water passed under the bridge which I must confess left me confused. We met way back in 2010; then we were both in SS1, and we developed affection for each other, but none of us was ready to make the first move, yet we were very good friends through thick and thin. I remember one Friday night she sneaked into the boys’ dormitory to see me when I was seriously ill. She was a prefect and a day student. So it was a daring stunt as it spelled expulsion if she’d been caught.

“Others who knew what was really happening were of the opinion that I’d lost all hopes of dating her since she was a very close friend to me. There’s a myth that dating a close friend is impossible. March 2012 to be precise, I asked her out but she didn’t accept, neither did she decline. She didn’t even ask for time to think about it like most ladies do when they want to stall. She just found out ways to throw me off track and I got the message. There was a day she made a statement: “There’s a very thin line between best friends and lovers.” I was disappointed but didn’t make a fuss. I loved her so much I was willing to be patient. There was also the fact that she’d once been broken hearted.

“Our friendship grew and we wrote our final exams (WAEC) that same year; during this period, we were always together, enjoying each other’s company. This was helped by the fact that we lived in the same locality. Getting admission into a university was an uphill task, so it was not until 2013 that she got admission in one of the leading universities. I wasn’t that lucky so I had to settle for a pre-degree programme in one of the Eastern universities. Before then, I’d relocated to Abuja. It was hell coping without her nearby and vice versa. We spent lots of time on the phone and missed each other greatly. The holidays were blissful because we got to see each other and caught up on issues, but at a time, things started going haywire.

“I learnt from her that she had a current boyfriend and to be honest, I was blindly jealous. I dated none because she was the only one I ever wanted; it was so painful but what could I do? It wasn’t as if she didn’t love me.”

“She did. I guess you’re wondering how I knew that. Body language was a major factor. Also, I visited her in school and she had my photo taped to her mirror. But the million dollar question was, why was she doing this? I got mad and in retaliation, I asked a girl out from our old school who I was not in love with. I guess she knew that too. Then I informed my friend. I guess I did that because I wanted her to feel the pains I felt (she later confessed to have felt jealous). Well, things got on and she started having problems with her boyfriend. It turned out he was a chronic player. Of course, this was an opportunity to get her, but I didn’t want to. I tried advising her, telling her to sort things out with him, even when I was hurting inside.

“The next year, I got admission to study abroad and I paid her a visit at school. I informed her and I must say she took it hard, she found it difficult to come to terms with it and she was a wreck. I stayed with her for five days so I knew. The first night, we talked throughout the night. We spilled our hearts to each other, and she admitted that she had always loved me. That was when she told me the horrifying tale (in tears).

“In her first year in school, she had accommodation problems so her parents entrusted her to a neighbour’s care who also schooled there. She was squatting with him until she could get her own accommodation. One night, he raped her! She was a virgin! That much I knew. According to her, she had grand dreams of saving it for her husband. So she had to stick to him. Meaning she had to date him. She was desperate to keep the relationship, so whenever he demanded for sex, she had no choice…. So that’s how he turned her into his sex toy. She admitted feeling used but then, it was too late. They broke up soon after. This was when she broke down and wept, and I had to console her. I stayed with her for five days but I had to go home. She was almost through with her examinations but she had a pending practical, she left the paper to go home with me against all resistance from me.

“We got home and then everything changed. I told her I’d broken up with my girlfriend, and we started dating. But I’m scared. It’s not as if I actually broke up with the other girl. We sort of drifted apart and right now she’s got hold of my number and I think she wants me back. Besides, everything is wrong in my relationship with my old girlfriend. We argue all the time but that wasn’t how we started. It was blissful in the beginning. The guy in question (her ex) bought her a phone but she lied to me. She told me it was borrowed from a friend. I found out the truth from a mail he sent to her. We exchanged passwords to our mail addresses. She admitted lying to me but attributed it to fear; she said she was scared of telling me because she was still dating him. But he still comes around begging her to accept him back. God! I’m so confused, she doesn’t even tell him she has me. She claims to be protecting me.

“Thinking about all these brings out these questions in me; before “the beast…”did what he did to my first love, he must have shown interest or asked her out earlier so; did she date him before? If she did, did she spur him on then lost control and decided to chicken out, thereby inciting what happened? Is she trying to cover up? Why did she decide to date me? Was it because I was about to travel abroad?

“These are questions I need answers to, but I don’t know how to go about them. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. But she can be very jealous at times. The option of travelling abroad fell out and I’m yet to gain admission, but she’s in her final year. She doesn’t flaunt it. Besides, our sex life is pretty bad. She’s not romantic at all. She’s a drama queen when it comes to bedroom antics… She grudgingly prefers oral sex. I know she’s suffering from her past trauma. But it’s been two years and we’ve dated for one year six months, and 22 days. Isn’t this enough,  time to get over it? I want the chance of a normal life with her. I need some advice, that’s why I have poured my heart to you. I like the way you handle people’s problems. You’re the only one I’ve confided in and I will be very grateful if you could help me out. It’s presently 1:45 a.m and you can guess, can’t you? I’ve got insomnia. And I can’t continue like this. I’m so hurt inside I don’t know what to do. So what do you think? Please help me.”

The earlier Roy moved on from this tender trap he’s falling into, the better he could make a stress-free life for himself. His co-called girlfriend had had sex not once, but several times with a man she claimed raped her. Yet refused to make over with this supposed love of her life. She’s lied about everything, including her feelings for him. She obviously enjoys this cat-and-mouse game she’s playing with him. He simply has to free himself from her clutches and walk….He should then give himself a lot of years to plan a future he’ll be proud of before embarking on another serious relationship.

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